Gustafer Yellowgold
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Did you know that Gustafer’s house has no outside power source?
How does he do it? Well, it’s simple, really…
Gustafer Yellowgold traveled to planet Earth in a vehicle called a Sunpod. The Sunpod was a comet-like machine made up of a crust of solar elements that included stones and rocks from foot of the Solarian mountain range, bonded together with ultra-ionized raisin pate’. The day that Gustafer splashed down into Leech Lake in Minnesota, his Sunpod was smashed to bits from the impact. Gustafer and his new pal, Forrest Applecrumbie the well-dressed Pterodactyl set to work to retrieve all the broken pieces. Once gathered, they were ground into a powdery sand before they were molded into the golden bricks that make up the walls of Gustafer’s current Minnesota woodland chalet. The bricks themselves now contain an as-of-yet undiminished charge of solar energy the likes of which has never been discovered by “regular” Earth people.
Each block contains enough energy to power a major metropolis and it’s surrounding suburbs for 523 years. And the power is totally “clean” since the source is actual rubble from the Sun itself!
Should we tell anybody?
Ga-hoo! I was tickled to bits when they asked ME to comment on this topic. Ah… The Infinity Sock. Certainly an intriguing piece of clothing. One that runs through many people’s wardrobes, but sadly can never be worn! Kudos to sir Gustafer for finding the end of that one. Some people have all the luck. Anyhow, the Infinity Sock itself, it turns out, is not made of any “mystical or celestial” type of fibers whatsoever, as one might assume. The sock seems to be a mid-quality athletic grade of organic cotton/wool blended fibers. The stripes appear to be a muted version of the Miami Dolphins’ team colors, orange and turquoise. The toe end has a delightful hand-finished whip stitch that adds a perfectly rustic feel to this one-of-a-kind specimen of hosiery. If anyone should ever attempt to wash this sock, I would dare to recommend hand washing in a cool ocean, and then air-drying. But who has an Infinity Clothesline and that many clothespins? Ha! Not me.
Q: Doesn’t Gustafer burn everything because he’s so hot, since he’s from the Sun?
A: Not very much. When Gustafer first arrived in Minnesota after his long trip from the Sun, there was a period of adjustment. For a while he would accidentally put some mitten-shaped burn marks on the couch or kitchen table. But with some concentration and mindfulness he can pretty much keep his outer temperature under control. His first Minnesota snow day was pretty frustrating for him though. He initially didn’t take into account his high-heat radiance when attempting to hug a snowman or make a snow angel. So he pretty much keeps it under good control, unless he’s particularly stressed or surprised. His outer-body temperature at rest is approximately 111 degrees fahrenheit. A hot hand does come in quite handy once and a while, particularly on one occasion when a close turtle friend was stuck in a chunk of ice. It’s also a very handy power to have if you’d like your popcorn “hand-popped”. With great power comes… oh, you know the rest.
Melter Swelter From the DVD Mellow Fever (Buy Now)
It’s not an architectural flaw. No need to rub your left eye. It’s on purpose. Not only is Gustafer’s mailbox the only “walk-in” in Minnesota, but perhaps in all of North America. The fact that Gustafer can relax and enjoy his mail while sitting in his favorite wooden chair while sipping a cold orange fizzy drink is great, but, the most incredible feature of this structure is the ‘highly advanced communication device’ installed on the rear wall of the mailbox. This Sun-tech Solar Portogram machine was invented and built by Gustafer Yellowgold’s older brother, Ben Yellowgold.
Ben still lives back on the Sun and uses this device to communicate with and send stuff to Gustafer to help him in his journey exploring his new life on Earth. The photo above shows Ben letting Gustafer know “he’s not missing anything” by playfully sending down a batch of Solar-raisin-roni (one of Gus’s least favorite foods). The list of major inventions is large enough to take up its own entry, so we’ll dedicate another one just to that. The biggest downside to having such a large mailbox can be described in three words: giant junk mail!
Slimothy C. Beache is the full name of Gustafer Yellowgold’s pet and sidekick. Slim is a freshwater electric eel who has been relatively house-trained. He still has moments where he forgets he’s not supposed to use his electricity indoors. He came from Leech Lake, where Gustafer landed years ago. The legend is that on that fateful day, Gustafer’s Sunpod hit a hungry saw-toothed buck trout on the head, inadvertently saving Slim from being the fish’s supper.
Slim is loving and affectionate, and when Gustafer is away for the night, Slim will sleep on the couch with a little stuffed Gustafer. When Slim squeaks out the name of the little doll, his eel voice sounds like he’s saying, “acker”.
Slim much prefers his domesticated existence to his old watery neighborhood where growing up he was often bullied by the Jumbo Shrimp. They are also the reason why Slim gets spooked and refuses to play the Shrimpin’ – Prawn Dangerland board game when Gustafer gets it out.
Okay…It’s All About The Raisins.
Did you know that Gustafer Yellowgold’s former home country of Solaria and the rest of the Sun have an economy that is based on and backed by Golden Raisins? The unit of Currency is called a Suny (pronounced sunny), and it is named after Solaria’s national bird, the Sun Bird. Each Suny has the bird emblazoned on the front and the King’s suncastle on the back. The type of raisins used to press money are a much rarer and distinctive type of golden raisin grown and controlled by the Sun’s monarchy.
Raisins are the main cash crop on the Sun and Gustafer’s own family are deep in the business themselves having a family-owned Raisin Carvery that was passed down to Gustafer’s father Frank Yellowgold from Gustafer’s grandfather who founded the business in late 1974.
Another thing about Sun raisins is that not only are they the main product of the farming industry up there, but it’s the ONLY food available. So, all Solarian meals are based on some form of Raisin. There is one main type of raisin that is the most common, and it’s called the “Gold Standard.” But Gustafer’s mother was a creative cook and she would do her best to give the family a variety. For instance, on holidays she would make the giant Roast Raisin. If the Boys were lucky on a Saturday they might get some “Raisin Dogs” on raisin meal bun.
It’s the reason Gustafer’s fur has a distinct raisin-like odor and is also one of the main reasons Gustafer left the Sun. He never saw raisin-carving as his destiny.
As Gustafer explores his new environment on earth, he takes the time to closely examine an all-time, Earth favorite: Spaghetti and Meatballs. Some have discussed and opine that Gustafer and Slim take playing with their food to new artistic levels.
A Crisp, Pungent and Savory dish for a cold winter afternoon.
Here is a Gustafer Yellowgold original recipe using stuff out of his own back yard.
The broth is mostly pine sap, but the wild onions will give it more of a zing.
So! Get a bucket and collect about a quart of sap out of a pine tree.
Over a medium heat, get the sap moving into a nice rolling boil. Add about 30-40 medium to small pinecones.
Stir well to thoroughly coat the cones.
Add one good mitt-full of wild weed onions.
Add one capfull of white moth powder.
Stir again to coat all cones.
Sniff the chowder-vapors deeply with flared nostrils to ensure it’s very pungent and piney.
Remove from heat and serve immediately.
Top with a few bits of fresh pine-needles.
Serve with a glass of cold, iced Moss Juice.
You can also spread the mixture out on a greased cookie sheet and refrigerate to make a delightful Pinecone Brittle. There’s never usually enough left over to ever do this.. But…anyway…ENJOY!
